There are experiences in life that help to shape us, if we allow them to, into who God intends for us to be. To help others. To grow ourselves. Our faith. Our patience, Sometimes we can get make some sense of “why” and other times we are just in it. Trusting Him if for no other reason, than because everything around us makes no sense. All we can do is trust the one “the wind and waves obey.” He holds the stars; He of COURSE will hold me.
He is holding me. I know it. I also tho feel like I’m stuck together with scotch tape. There is a substance there, but it’s very fragile. It could tear at any moment. I’m merely being honest. I’m not upset, I’m not angry. I’m HUMAN. And I am mom who is fighting for the life of my child. –again. And I won’t ever stop, (for any of my kids) but I’m tired. I honestly felt by the end of the week as though I had been physically beaten. Stress takes a toll on a body.
However this weekend, my momma-heart was renewed; about to burst as I witnessed the most beautiful of love, display care, provision and tenderness. All while on a twin bed in a room at the all-too-familiar psychiatric hospital.
The visit began as it always does. I walked into the hospital like I own the place. I’ve been here too many times. Here’s the typical drill:
* show your license, get called to and approved by the unit for visiting.
* walk to unit, get let in. <every building other than the main one, is locked>
* sign in, and have anything brought in for her left at the desk to be searched.
* If her roommate is not in the room, or if she is sans roommate, we get to visit in her room, somewhat privately.
* every 15 minutes the door opens and we are ‘checked on.’ <room checks>
*when leaving, sign out, turn in badge, hug goodbye, be let out.
We walked in-line to our designated unit as tho we were on parade; it is something of a spectacle whenever our Krew goes anywhere all together. We were let in by a staff member, and in an attempt to diminish the awkward gawking by the other patients and families, I smiled and said hello as we entered. The calm, confident outward demeanor giving no sign of the chaos my nerves were experiencing.
As many times as I’ve entered this building it’s always surreal. Every. Single. Time. I know it the drill, I don’t need a tour, I know the rules. I know the expectations for myself and my ‘party.’ However there is always an element of ‘unknown.’ There also is always the heart-wrenching difficulty of having to leave, and leave one behind. I dread it before the visit even begins.
So like any other family visit, we filed into her room, It was a bit of a surprise to her to see us all, as I had forewarned her that one of us was sick and we might not make the trip that day. I promised the usual tea (the treat she most appreciates) by whoever came to visit, but no promise it would be ME.
She was so excited; she began to cry as she leaped off her bed and hugged us all. Everyone one of her siblings was with her with the exception of one. A mini-reunion.
She began to share about what had been happening that day, showing some artwork she had done; some therapeutic and some for fun. Sketches other patients had asked her to do. Lists she had began for organization. She won a couple of joke books so LP made himself comfy in the desk chair and began to entertain everyone by reading the corny funny jokes that could only crack a smile out of us because of HIS enjoyment of them. (his laugh is not only contagious, it’s uplifting)
I stood and watched and listened.
While all this was going on, one by one the kids piled onto her bed with her. They began chatting about music and songs and Christmas and pets, playing with each others hair…and for a moment it was like a scene from home. I choked back the tears as LP finally made the decision to join the family ‘snuggle’ and the girls–while they grumbled a little–laughed and begrudingly allowed him to smother them all as he became “king of the pile.” I reached for my phone (contraband here..) to capture this moment. (double contraband..no photos allowed. Period.) Then it hit me.
THIS was the GIFT. The GOOD stuff. No photo would ever capture what this scene meant. No one else would appreciate that moment with the full value and meaning, as I. This was LOVE in action. Connection. Bonding. This is what families do, even in the midst of crisis, for their loved ones. The feeling of acceptance and love and compassion, and the presence of all that was palpable.
{During all of this we had several room checks; the look on the staff members face was clear that he was touched by what he saw. And..no doubt, he was able to see Jesus through us}
Especially in crisis, we all seek some sort of ‘normal.’ A feeling of familiarity. Comfort. A distraction that has value and meaning, not to create delusion, but if only for a moment to not feel so disconnected. In this instance like almost all, the patient is not the only one seeking that ‘normalcy’ but so is the rest of the family. To get to the heart of US…and for almost an hour, that is what was achieved on the twin bed in a benign building in an otherwise benign room; there was a sense of HOME.
It was exactly what my precious, sweet, hurting child needed. It was also exactly what my weary momma-heart needed. That gift; that vision, witnessing that experience was what I needed at that very moment to be encouraged. To SEE the reminder that I Know in my heart, that God is near. Our Father loves US. He is providing and is caring for US.
We stayed as long as we could, and when it was time to go, we filed out of her room, one by one again as tho we were putting on a parade for the rest of the unit. We proceeded to sign out and hug goodbye, turn in our badges, make sure we took out what we brought in, and were seen to the door by staff who wished us safety in our drive home.
It’s a somber walk to the car; it feels so wrong to leave one behind. Yet as hard as it was and always IS, it was a good visit. No one complained of the long, back-to-back car ride. We had the best family time we could have, and re-connected some loose emotional strands. Our family bond is held together not by tape, but rather by a Mighty God, loving Father who uses every situation for good. He loves and cares for us and as long as we are in His will, tho times will be tough, we will be HELD.
I posted this passage of scripture on my Facebook wall, but it’s fitting for this blog post so I’m going to include it here.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body { 2 Corinthians 4:8-10}
And..the Holy Spirit continues to place this on my heart…
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. {1Peter 5:10}
Indeed…I have been strengthened for the day.
Today I can say I feel much better. YOUR PRAYERS are making a difference. Thank you. To all the prayer warriors, I feel them. I covet them. My family needs them and appreciates them. The road ahead is long. Thank you for interceding….I can’t say it enough.
We will endure, because With God, NOTHING is impossible. (Luke 1:37)
soul2soulsister 